The Perils of Palpation

Madison Gohlke of Auburn University, one of our 'Foot in Mouth Disease' category winners, shared this witty piece of poetry with us!  We love your unique perspective, thank you for sharing!

The Perils of Palpation

I button up my coveralls

(My grandpa would be proud)

And walk out to the dairy barn

To meet the bovine crowd

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"If you hear hoofbeats, don’t immediately think zebras!"

Have a laugh with Lili Becktell from Cornell University… I think we all have been there!

I enthusiastically began the summer by diving headfirst into a series of equine externships all over the USA.  At my second externship of the summer, I was working with a clinic that serviced mainly upper-level hunter/jumper clientele. This particular day, we were performing our weekly visit to a large show barn in the area, where on any given day the veterinarians would evaluate and perform joint injections for up to 30 horses.  One of the clinic owners, the current intern, the barn owner, and I were watching horses go when the next patient arrived: an unassuming grey mare that was very visibly lame. I was very nervous and wanted to make a good impression, so I began to note in my head all of the things I was seeing (Namely: “OK—the horse is lame—check.”). The intern began her physical, at which point I was asked to retrieve the hoof testers from the truck. I ran quickly across the property and back only to arrive, winded, to the sight of the two veterinarians and the barn owner impassively standing in a line and observing me.

           “Lili, why don’t you take a look at that mare and tell me what’s causing her lameness?” encouraged the head veterinarian.

           I immediately wondered if the jog across the farm in the heat hadn’t caused me to black out somewhere, and when they inevitably found my body and revived me I’d be babbling something about being asked to evaluate a lameness with only two years of vet school under my belt. When the expectant silence didn’t go away (and no one came to splash water on me), I realized that this was reality. In front of everyone, I, Lili Becktell, was being asked to evaluate someone’s lame horse. Yikes.

           Swallowing my fear, I performed what may well have been the most beautiful, thorough, graceful musculoskeletal exam of my life. I imagined angels singing, birds chirping, my professors (dressed in togas) descending from Cornell-colored clouds, holding OSCE clipboards, praising me. Except—I couldn’t find a darn thing wrong with the horse. Not one. I prodded, poked, shifted her weight, palpated, checked all the feet, and finally looked up at the head vet, stumped.

           “I’m sorry, but I just don’t know what’s going on. She doesn’t seem sore anywhere,” I said, eyeing the horse. She eyed me back, annoyed to be out of her stall.

           The head veterinarian smiled kindly, put his hand on my shoulder, and pointed to the foot I’d just put down.

           “Ah, yes, well. She’s missing a shoe.”

           And that, everyone, is how I learned the old veterinary adage: “If you hear hoofbeats, don’t immediately think zebras.” Unless, of course, the zebras are missing a shoe.

Spayed Too Soon

This funny encounter was submitted by Kassandra Schneider from UC Davis. I hope you all enjoy it as much as I did!

It seemed like just another day at the vet clinic as I checked in an elderly woman’s Miniature Pinscher, the woman’s two granddaughters by her side to help. It didn’t take long to find out this owner was going to fall into the “crotchety old lady” category rather than the “sweet old lady” one. Every question I asked was answered with a begrudging retort.

“How’s everything going with Fiona?” I asked.

“Fine. Just fine. I don’t know why the county makes me come in here once a year. It’s a goddamn waste of my time and money.”

Her granddaughters apologized profusely, explained the dog was just here for her annual rabies vaccine, and I continued taking my history. Finally, I asked my last question.

“Do you have any other concerns?”

The gray, wrinkled woman spat back, “No, I’ve already told you - she’s perfectly fine! Except…my landlord made me get her spayed last year. Before she’d ever even had sex! Can you believe that?! Don’t you think that’s cruel?!”

The room burst into laughter as Grandma continued to fume in outrage. I picked up the little Min Pin and turned to leave to get a weight on her in the other room. Almost at the door, I addressed the little dog: “I’m sorry you didn’t get to experience all of life, sweetie!”

Glancing into the exam room as I shut the door, my mind’s eye snapped a photo of the two granddaughters - doubled over laughing, with tears streaming down their faces - and the old woman resentfully mumbling the inhumanities of her poor dog’s virgin, gonad-free life.

Staggeringly Funny

Thank you to Sophie Cressman from The Ohio State University for the following submissions to the Foot in Mouth Disease section of our blog!

"Story time: I went to a fall festival today and waited in line with 5 year olds to get a free balloon 'for my little sister' that I fully intend to use during my anatomy study session of the lungs tonight."

sunday funday

Thank you to Vanessa Adarme from St. George's University for sharing these winning submissions to our Foot in Mouth category.

Q: What does the dentist of the year get?

A: A little plaque