The Perils of Palpation

Madison Gohlke of Auburn University, one of our 'Foot in Mouth Disease' category winners, shared this witty piece of poetry with us!  We love your unique perspective, thank you for sharing!

The Perils of Palpation

I button up my coveralls

(My grandpa would be proud)

And walk out to the dairy barn

To meet the bovine crowd

Rows of rumps and swishing tails

Waft odiferous liquefied corn

A table full of plastic sleeves

Awaits the uterine horn

We talk of tone and placentomes

And when the follicle is prime

A fetus I may never find

But a kidney? Every time….

These ladies don’t appreciate

My veterinary charm

Discontent’s expressed in mournful lows

And ischemia of my arm

They make it look so easy

On those powerpoints in school

I don’t have to stage a CL;

Even a cervix would be cool

“Manipulate” is all well and good

If I could see a thing

Or sort out all this slippery stuff

Tell a rumen from offspring

I reach and strain till my arm is numb

So I switch to the other side

And still I cannot find a thing

(But I have lost all my pride)

Both shoulders plastered with warm muck

There’s manure in my hair

But all at once my weary limb

Finds a calf that’s napping there

And suddenly it all makes sense

And I can’t believe my eyes

Or fingers, I guess, which’ll have to do

To explore this little guy

His tiny skull fits in my hand

And I think I feel an ear

Couldn’t age him; couldn’t even try

But the miracle’s right here

And one day I will learn to tell

Those small details apart

But for now, it’s just enough to meet

This little work of art