The Tragic Tale of Fifi the Dog

David Kim
UC Davis

The Tragic Tale of Fifi the Dog
by Pickles da Goat

Heroes old and new have arisen
Throughout the sands of time
Achilles, Macbeth, Gizmoduck
To 2014’s Jon Levine (god he’s so FOINE~)

But all these do pale when compared
To the terrifying trifecta who dared
Wage war with the wily wretched worms
Many lives taken, over a billion deaths confirmed

So if you will so permit me to share    
My tale and melodious ode
Hear of Boyce, Conrad, and Houston
Slayers of the hated nematode!

Fifi the Pom had a problem
A coprophagic addicted to poop
Risk of disease ran high yet she still rolled the die
Until a problem arose in her crap chute

Toxocara canis seemed the culprit
The pup was not on preventative meds
Signs showed potbelly, vomiting, diarrhea
Kid shoulda stuck to dog chow instead

Suddenly, poor Fifi began to swell
Bigger and bigger like a balloon
For inside her was a mega-ascarid
Merely using her body as a cocoon

Without warning, the Pom popped (Aiee!!!)
And out emerged the mutated beast
10 feet tall with a sharp wicked mouth
Smacking its lips as it looked for its next feast

Dr. Boyce was first on the scene
Unsheathing his elven forged sword
The blade imbued with fenbendazole
All that met it were soon sent to the lord

With cold fury and unparalleled skill,
Like a strong samurai he swung
But the worm was too big and burly
As it had lived most of its life in dung

A blood curdling scream was then heard through the din
As someone new jumped in to join the fray
‘Twas Doc Conrad with her heavy battle axe
Tiempo para morir , hasta la vista, hombre!

The devastating DVM duo battled for hours
But the gargantuan giant would not go down
The outcome suddenly looked rather bleak
Until Robin Houston came to town

Armed with his wooden nunchucks
He somersaulted and swung at its head
A beautiful clean hit to the temple
And the fiend was finally dead

But its death was not enough to satisfy
The bloodlust of the terrific three
As each took turns stomping on the lifeless body
To send an ominous warning to the fleas

Another potential crisis averted
Like Wet Lab, the team be murkin it
Little Fifi may be dead, but
No more worms be burden it

So to these warriors we solemnly toast
Please follow me and raise your glass
In Poop Place they dwell and lie in wait
For the next threat to come out of your ass